Beginning Again

How many times have you decided to start over?  The feeling looms, sometimes bringing anxiety and doubt to the forefront of our everyday thoughts; maybe sometimes along with that doubt there are also some sort of pangs that ring forth with hope and excitement.  Perhaps the feelings become jumbled and confused as our minds try to make sense of what we are actually trying to do.  Starting over sometimes means that something, a phase, or part of one's life is being left behind or perhaps forgotten.  It is understandable that one may feel scared or unsure.

I have started over a few times in my life and career.  When I became a therapist, almost 20 years ago, I started a career that was not the original one I intended, it was a choice that I made because I learned how much I enjoyed being a listener of stories- those that were worrisome, exhausting, healing, and moving.  I learned how to become part of the learning process clients engaged in to make changes or updates to the ways in which they were living.  I also learned that being a therapist would lead to changes in my own life that created opportunities for me to be present during meaningful moments in others' lives as well as feel awakened and called to pursue a higher degree in hopes of pursuing another passion of mine- creating opportunities for training and supporting other mental health professionals.  I felt as though I was starting over when I dove into getting a doctorate degree...and the journey, while enriching was also full of exhaustion and regret!  When another month would pass and I was not as far along on my dissertation project, I would panic and wonder if I was doing the right thing, if I had made the best choice for myself, if my family was suffering because I was not focusing on the pieces of the journey that were concrete responsibilities.  Many, many months passed with me only wondering if I was on the right path and with my constant fear and regret that I had made a huge mistake by taking on this goal.  The debilitating fear crept in and then I would have moments of reborn energy, passion seeping through all of my daily goings on, hope, and movement...only to stall again for months.  I had to re-start my thought process as if it was an old car with a dead battery many days.  Even though, I had my eye on the prize and knew I wanted the end result-I had hope and dreams that put the end result so close, I could feel it at the tips of my fingers.  And then, yes, the goal post seemed to expand away from me with obstacles added and dropped in many all too familiar, panic inducing crashes.  It was the year before the COVID-19 shut down that I decided I was going to finish the project; and just as I had decided vehemently to complete the task, another obstacle befell me- chronic illness with a scary diagnosis.  The only thing I could do was stop so that my body could heal.  Here it was again, the threat of not finishing right when I had made up my mind to do it.  I had to endure several months of pain and frequent doctor visits to take care of my health.  I had the support of my mentors and dissertation committee, and I could see the finish line again.  I dragged my thoughts and brain into "work mode", I asked for quiet and space where I was not used to having it (in my relationship, my motherhood, my work responsibilities, and my social circles), I mustered and dragged as much strength as I could imagine.  I gave up every day, only to tell myself that I had come this far and a lot of people believed in me- even when I did not.  I told anyone who would listen how much longer I thought I would need in order to finish my project.  The pandemic shut down came, 2020 passed, I kept working, I kept giving up- every day.  And when I thought I could not work much longer on the project that was holding me back, I was struck with another blow- my department asked me to prove that I could finish or else I would need to restart the academic work in my program.  I gave up, then I fought, I gave up, then I fought...it would be any given day when I would either be fighting to finish with all of my might or accepting that I would not be graduating with a doctorate.  In the last semester I could possibly finish my work, I came back again, I started again- another beginning that brought uncertainty and shaky hope.

 In January of 2021, I could see that I was nearly finished with the entire project.  I was at the point where each week brought news of the next step, new re-writes, new ways to word my research, and encouragement from everyone who had watched me go through this process.  I was able to write the last version of the research project by the final date for review, my defense was scheduled with less than two weeks notice to my committee, they all graciously accepted. I started the editing process for the fourth time a week before my defense; and then the big day came.  I defended my dissertation in April of 2021, two years ago.  I graduated with my doctorate in May of 2021.  And just like that, an opportunity that I thought I would never have, became available, a teaching position at Our Lady of the Lake University- for which I was hired.  One of my dreams actually came true: to be a higher education professor- specifically an Assistant Professor in the Psychology Department, teaching Marriage and Family Therapy to Master Level students, in Houston.

Destiny and my timing worked together, I started again; again.  I can't say that this will be the last time I start something that will seem risky.  As a matter of fact, I have started my career again by leaving the comfort and warmth of the organization where I have spent my beginning as a therapist and I am branching out on my own, into the world of private practice.  I am looking for opportunities to support others who are also starting over, who sometimes make progress and have set backs.  I want to be on the team that provides space and discussions to support decisions that will lead to the changes and beginnings that will make a difference for an individual or for people in relationships.  I hope I will be invited to be with people working on their new beginning; and that I will have the opportunity to witness the moments of completion or accomplishments my clients are hoping to find.  I hope I get to meet you and support your dream(s) and visions for your new beginning,